Let's Talk About...Golf

Ok. I try to avoid too much controversy, but it is time to discuss golf. I respect golfers and the Masters Tournament. I even followed Tiger Woods for a while. However, I just don't really get it. What used to be a game men played as a requisite for conducting business, is thankfully now a game for everyone.

I want to be part of the party too. I want to conduct business too.

But what happens if you just can't play very well?

Or, in my case, not at all.

Let's take a swing at golf.

Golf is a game that asks players to put a small ball into a small hole in the ground. Simple, right?

Kind of like squirrels hiding acorns.

This task involves acres of beautiful, well-maintained grass, a heavy bag of sticks, sometimes transportation, and a lot of time.

People love it. My cousin Joe plays golf almost every day. Golf takes you outdoors, lets you talk to your friends, gives you an excuse to have a couple of beers, and kills off a whole day. I get that.

What I don't get is how to play (well). I also don't get all the lingo.

Here is a bit of background. I live on a golf course. As a matter of fact, I live across the street from a long fairway. Why is it that when the goal is to put a ball in a hole 100 yards away and across the street, I still find golf balls on my lawn? Clearly, not everyone is Masters material.

Because we live on a golf course, people assume I must be a good player. They would be wrong.

I have taken dozens of lessons. I have spent hours on the driving range. So, I know my way around a golf club.

I get the differences between a driver, a wood and an iron. I know how to line up my hands on a club and hook my fingers. I get the belt buckle thing and looking toward where you want the ball to go.

Nonetheless, no number of lessons can help me overcome the yips.

When people ask me to play, what do I say? I don't want to miss out on a social opportunity, but I am pathetic. It is embarrassing.

Who knew there was skill involved in putting a ball in a hole? I play basketball reasonably well. It's the same idea. Isn't it?

Skill is not all that is required. There is a language to master as well. If you don't get what a shank, wood, flop or an ace is, you don't belong on the green.

And what is up with all the birds? I am talking about eagles, albatrosses, birdies, and bogeys. That is a lot of fowl to worry about.

I can chip into the fringe, putt with a putter, negotiate a hazard, and I respect "rate of play." "Move along ladies, rate of play..." is not foreign to me.

I get that to be a good player, you must understand the physics of wind speed and wind direction and be able to make the requisite adjustments to your club, angle, speed, and stance.

Nonetheless, it is a mystery to me how to get that little ball into that little hole in less than eight strokes.

Like most things in life, I just make the best of it. So, I have tried to play to my strengths and perfect acing my slice and hooking it on the rough. That's good, right?

Maybe I have it all wrong but, for me, it is just par for the course.