Left Hand Valley Courier - All Local, All The Time

APRIL 1—In what seems to be a huge reversal in previous policy and operating procedures, Extinction Oil & Gas is finally responding to the thousands of complaints received about the health and environmental effects of hydraulic fracturing, or fracking.

“Starting in late 2019,” said a spokesperson for the company, “for every mineral lease agreement signed, we will give two free bottles of Booste-brand oxygen to each participant, along with a coupon book for Jumba Juice. That’s healthy, right?”

Booste Oxygen is a canned, compressed oxygen product that is frequently sold in Boulder County for flatlanders and sea-level weenies visiting their children and grandchildren who attend CU Boulder. The cans are sold along Pearl Street and in various stores to help visitors survive three days at Boulder’s 5345-foot altitude without feeling like their lungs are going to explode or cave in.

Cans typically retail for about $8, and the coupon books were donated by Jumba Juice.

“We think this is a fair compromise,” said the spokesperson. “People complain about how fracking destroys air quality and poisons the water supply. We see this as a win-win. We may be poisoning the air, but then you have your very own canned air, at least for a few days. Of course, then you have to buy your own.” The spokesperson pointed out that the average annual payout for mineral lease owners is about $150, which would cover the purchase of about 18 more cans of Booste Oxygen.

“That’s, like, oxygen for over two weeks,” asserted the spokesperson. “If that’s not value, I don’t know what is.”

“As far as the water supply goes, each person that signs their mineral rights away will also be receiving a fantastic book of coupons for Jumba Juice. That way, you’re getting juice and stuff, so do you really need clean water?”

The coupon books contain 10 coupons each and expire on Dec. 31, 2019.

“That’s also healthy,” stated the spokesperson, “because we’re not issuing these until late 2019, which means you’ll have to run down to your nearest Jumba Juice to redeem those coupons before they expire. Running is healthy, and we’re really trying to accomodate fracking critics here. Running to get a delicious juicy drink and carrying around your own oxygen? It’s almost like fracking is better for your health than no fracking. Think about it.”