Let's Talk About...Men Making Friends

Ok. We have all read how important friendships are to your overall health and well-being. People experience less stress, less depression, and live longer lives if they have friends in their lives.

Jane Fonda, for example, extolls the value of girlfriends over all her husbands. She said, "Friends make me stronger. They make me smarter. They make me braver." Look at "Grace and Frankie" or "The Golden Girls." Women's friendships is a real and important subject.

Friends bring depth and richness to your life, don't you think? They make you come out of your bubble and exchange ideas, interact, and play. If nothing else, didn't we learn that from COVID?

Some people have very old dear friends and others have friends like revolving doors. Sometimes friends come and go but some come back after a few years and fit like an old slipper.

If we all agree friendship is important, then why is it so difficult for some people to make new friends? Is your dance card ever really full?

I wonder why women generally have an easier time making, keeping, and fostering friendships while men seem to struggle. Is this another "Venus/Mars" thing?

Where do men generally find new friends? At work? The gym? School events? Volunteering? Perhaps, but unlikely. On the other hand, those are some of the places women often find friendships.

Haven't you found that men often rely on their wives' friends' husbands as their friend-pool?

The problem with that friend-making strategy is that those husbands then get whatever they get. If they then complain that they haven't really connected with any of those husbands, well, that is what happens at a friendship potluck.

Why does this adopt-a-husband phenomenon happen?

Women just tend to have a wider net of friends. And most importantly, women put in the time.

Why do women have a wider friend net?

In addition to work, the gym, volunteer efforts, and school events, women often have book clubs, "girls' nights out," Mahjong, bridge, and, most importantly, they simply keep their eyes open.

And as women get older, they don't mind saying something awkward like, "We should be friends."

Men don't seem to do those things or say those kinds of things. Retirees might start playing poker or pickleball, or they might join a book club or play golf. All good sources of friendship. But what kind of friendships result?

Whereas women are often comfortable talking to their friends about what they are feeling and the issues in their lives, men tend to talk about things like the stock market or how the Rockies are doing.

Which type of friendship are you looking for? Do you have to bare your soul to be friends, or can you just be comfortable in "parallel play?"

Once you find a friend, we all know friend-maintenance takes time and is intentional. As one old friend told me, "You have to water your garden."

Women, for example, always set dates in advance for the next encounter. It is like having a carrot at the end of a stick or like throwing out a lifeline. Men tend to just look at their wife's calendar.

Women check in.

My husband is one of those guys who has few friends, but the ones he has run deep. His best friend lives in California which is unfortunately not particularly conducive to grabbing coffee or hitting the ball around the golf course. But when they are together, they are like kids, laughing, joking and often sharing real feelings and worries. They have been doing that since the third grade. That is a friend with a capital "F."

That Friendship is rare and took some effort. And takes some maintenance.

But once you find that "capital F" Friend, the difference is obvious. So, make that acquaintance. Be curious. See if they make you feel smarter or stronger, see if they have a sense of humor and share your values. Who knows if that acquaintance might someday be that Friend that fits like an old slipper?

Friends are a soft place to land and gather strength. If you are lucky enough to have friends, cultivate them and keep them well watered. The fruit they bear is priceless.