Left Hand Valley Courier - All Local, All The Time

It's a Laughing Matter



March 13, 2019

Good morning, this is I.R.I.T.A.T.E. - International Responders Including Telemarketers and Telepathy Ecosystems. How may I help you?

Oh I see, you're finding that people are using call blockers. Just one moment and I can connect you to our anti-blocking hackers. Yes, they can hack just about any phone system. Also, we're working on all types of government systems, but that will be an upgrade and quite pricey.

Hello, I.R.I.T.A.T.E. on the line. We're so good we don't need the second "R." Wait a minute. Slow down. You're talking like a computer-generated voice. Let me see if I've got this right. You deal in fake IRS and credit card calls and you're speaking in your real voice now? Oh, I'm so sorry. Yes, we can fix that. I can connect you to our audiology/speech pathology department. After all they're the ones that made those digital assistants so life-like.

Yes, this is I.R.I.T.A.T.E. Robo calls? Those are our bread and butter. What can we do for you? You need to know how soon before an election is the ideal time to start your system up? We just did a study on that. The answer is it's never too early. We've found that every time the government – city, state or federal – is about to pass a controversial law, it's always best to have the opposition call and tell all registered voters to alert their local alderman, representative or senator to voice their opposition. Why yes, you're right, the more you call the more the callers call.

Good afternoon. This is I.R.I.T.A.T.E., where we strive to live up to and beyond our name. How may I be of assistance? You're irritated by I.R.I.T.A.T.E.'s policy on hang-up calls. Sir, I'm sorry all we do is provide the numbers. If those to whom you are calling aren't receptive enough to listen to your pitch on winning a million dollars before they hang up, I suggest it's your pitch and not our numbers. I'm hanging up now.

Bon Jour. I see you're calling on our international line. Yes, yes Nigeria. And you say you're a prince? I'll transfer you to the Never-Neverland people. Too-ta-loo.

Good afternoon, this is I.R.I.T.A.T.E. Wait, wait, I know what you're going to say, because we put the "T" in telepathy. You're going to tell me that you're so pleased that we have installed that secret listening device on those not-so-smart phones. Would you please hold one moment, I have another call.

I.R.I.T.A.T.E. How can I help you? You're having problems with people accepting calls from fake charities? One moment and I'll connect you to our tooth fairy department.

Sorry about that, but I knew they were going to call. That's how good our telepathy programs are. Yes, we do try to stay ahead of the advertising curve. We overhear such things as you talking to your husband about what to buy at the store and we know that he's balking at purchasing those feminine hygiene products. Our extensive research shows that if we slip a coupon for beer and jerky into his sports news feed, he'll buy everything requested. Why, thank you,

Oh hi Grace. Yes my shift is over. So glad you're taking the Australia, China and India night shift. We've had some stiff competition from the Russians lately, but never fear I.R.I.T.A.T.E. always lives up to its name. Oh yes, I've had a memo from the 13th floor saying we need to mention that the company has installed upgrades so everything takes longer. They just think of everything.

I'm telling you Grace, I'm so glad that we have actual, real call blocking that totally works, otherwise I'd just be so irritated.


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