Left Hand Valley Courier - All Local, All The Time

By Mary Wolbach Lopert

It's A Laughing Matter: Competitive Parenting


December 24, 2016

Ok ladies, we’re back. I want to thank you for tuning into the first interactive radio broadcast for Super Uber/Competitive Parenting. Not that any of us have to worry, because in the world of parenting, my audience is always at the top of the parenting food chain.

I have to say that I did find some inspiration in an article I found while perusing USA Today as I was also making some killer stock trades. According to an interview super uber/competitive parent and self described “Alpha Mom” Constance Van Flandern, “I’m at my Alpha-Mommy-est when I have the most balls in the air. It’s multitasking to the nth degree. It’s like training for the Olympics. Most of all, it’s fun.” (USA Today, Tuesday, Dec. 7) These are words we should all live by.

Before I was pulled away to handle a crisis at one of my other jobs of creating a real rival to Wikipedia, where I and only I, can make any corrections, my last caller was concerned about trying to keep her house immaculate while simultaneously potty training her 10-month-old and house breaking her purebred English bulldog puppy.

It just so happens that I’m in the process of developing and marketing my own trademarked Tidy Towel™. These towels have been used to excess by me and my family and I can tell you, you won’t find a better towel anywhere for those potentially messy disasters.

Washed and rewashed by my legal household staff (and I do make most of their social security payments), but under my strict supervision, Tidy Towel™ is guaranteed not to leave nasty airborne lint flying, because most of the fibers have been used by or on my family.

But don’t worry, Tidy Towel™ still has enough left to clean up the better part of those unsightly messes. Just remember you’ll be using something that has in my own personal possession, which is status enough.

Best of all, after a few more washings, Tidy Wash Cloth™ and Tidy Hand Towel™ will be ready for purchase.

Now, for our first caller. You’re on the air.

Caller: Hi, I wanted to run my competitive parenting idea by you.

CP: Go ahead.

Caller: Well, I call it super goo, and it’s a combination of milk…

CP: Let me guess, milk and corn flakes or rice crisp cereal.

Caller: Why, yes, I discovered it when…

CP: Caller, just hang up now. This is hardly worth talking about, because I know she got this idea when her toddler started flinging cold cereal around and some got stuck to her furniture. Listeners, this is an old story. One I hear often from all those Competitive Parent wanna bes.

Regular listeners know that I have the patented recipe for Super Goo®. It’s my own special blend of water and cornstarch for a fast quick hold on any household item. Some might call it paper mache, but with a little school glue thrown in, who’s going to know.

Now, for another fabulous invention. While it’s not one of mine, it’s still worth a mention. It’s palapa-bot and if you don’t know what a palapa is you have no right to be listening to this show.

Developed by a Competitive Parent who was concurrently earning her PhD at MIT in mechanical engineering and a MD at Stanford in infectious diseases, all the while caring for her own three children plus raising a nest of spotted owls, which had been abandoned by their own mother, palapa-bot is a true miracle.

Suppose you’re on that well-earned vacation and want that prime spot on the beach in Belize or the Turks and Cacous. And while you want some sun, you also need the shade provided by the palapa. Believe me, no matter how exclusive the resort, and I’ve been to most of them, there are never enough palapas to go around.

There’s also been a bit of nasty coverage about saving these places with a book or a towel while we’re off playing a quick 18-holes.

Well, thanks to palapa-bot, you can have an easily programmable robot, which will save your prime location. Just use the preset times for as early as 4 a.m. and p-bot will navigate its way to the beach or pool with the same night vision technology used by our valiant armed services, and secure your well deserved piece of heaven.

Best of all, its programmed to speak French, Spanish, German, Italian and Portuguese and will notify any interloper who tires to remove your possessions to “step away from the palapa.” Palapa-bot will discharge a medium-current shock if touched by anyone other than the owner.

Well, listeners, we’re just about out of time, but be sure to turn in tomorrow for a fascinating look at my latest patent pending item, Magic Shovel ™ for doggy doodles and the enthralling call-in topic “From natural birth and the breast to Harvard and the presidency.”

And remember, to emulate me, never leave the house with out well ironed/creased jeans, manies and peties and my complete line of make up. And remember, if your not uber you’re a goober.


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