Nostalgia Day Nets New Business

By LuAnn Piccard

For many local businesses, Nostalgia Day was a huge success. People were lined up five and six deep along the Second Avenue parade route. Foot traffic was steady throughout the day at booths and businesses. The musical entertainment, food, clowns and activities Saturday evening drew a huge, enthusiastic crowd to Cottonwood Square Shopping Center.

Nic Nats celebrated its first anniversary and its second Nostalgia Day. “It was our biggest day of the year,” said owner Lisa Tilley. “In addition to our local customers, when new customers discover us and find we have things they like, we get strong repeat business.”

Niwot Candies also had a banner day with business done from booths on Second Avenue and in Cottonwood Square as well as it’s Second Avenue store in the Niwot Emporium. “We were open from 10 in the morning to 10 at night. It was a huge day for us, our biggest by far. Also, we saw a lot of new faces.” said owner Sarah Cioni who also owns the Painted Primrose.

Cioni added, “In order to grow, we need people from out of town to discover what’s here. Whenever we have events like Nostalgia Day, Enchanted Evening and others, a lot of people come to town and business is great.”

“We had customers lined up out the door for most of the day even with six of us working,” said Bonnie Beard from

The Eye Opener. “It was great to see our regulars and new people. We were so busy we didn’t have time to visit with people as long as we usually like to do and hope they’ll come back so we can get to know them better.”

Cottonwood Quilts is a “destination” store; people come to Niwot specifically to visit the store and attend classes. Co-owner Susan Ward said, “We got a lot of exposure. When things slowed down outside, we got busier. Even some local people discovered us for the first time. We chose to have our store in Niwot because its ‘small town feel’ is consistent with quilters. It was also great to have the quilt show at the Left Hand Grange right around the corner.”

One business owner summarized the sentiment of most, “The exposure from these events is great, but we need to turn the corner and get steady year-round business from locals and out-of town visitors in order for downtown Niwot to survive and thrive.”

Creative Learning At Its Finest

By Claire Chase

Miss Catherine’s Creative Learning Center celebrated 10 years in Gunbarrel this past August. Whencontacted about theanniversary, owner Catherine Médal was more interested in celebrating one of her most faithful employees as a testament to what makes the Learning Center so special.

For the last five years, Donna Bach travels by bus from her home in Boulder to Gunbarrel to do her three-day-a-week job at Miss Catherine’s Creative Learning Center. Bach cleans the walls, cubbies, toys, bookshelves – anything that needs sanitizing.

Bach, who has Downs Syndrome, works at Miss Catherine’s through Progressive Job Solutions, a vocational and career assistance program for the developmentally challenged. But Bach is more than a cleaning lady; she is a friend to students and staff.

Bach brings treats like candy and Christmas cookies to co-workers during the holiday season. Sometimes she’ll bring an A & W root beer to Miss Catherine, just because she knows it’s her favorite. Medal said that Bach is very reliable and always calls if she is going to be late or has missed the bus. Staff members have always welcomed Bach, and enjoyed working with her.

“Donna is very fun. We have good times and great talks,” said Sue Keefe, cook at Miss Catherine’s. It seems the respect is mutual. Bach said of Keefe, “When I need something, she’ll fix it for me.”

Teacher Carol Burghart has been at Miss Catherine’s for almost as long as Bach. She said, “Donna brings a uniqueness to the community here. She loves to share day-to-day life. She shares, she brings photos. She’s always friendly and always has a smile.”

Bach said she likes her job for a variety of reasons, including the spending money, the friends she has made and being with the children. “The best part is the little ones hugging my legs,” she said. When she is not working, Bach spends time with her family and friends. She enjoys taking photographs and is active at church. She likes taking walks and watching movies.

“Donna has such a joie de vie,” said Médal. “She lets us into her life and we are lucky because of it.”

Gunbarrel Community Center Plan Stalemate Ending…Possibly

Much Left To Be Decided On Gunbarrel Town Center And Gunbarrel Flats

By Claire Chase

There soon may be an end to the stalemate on the Gunbarrel Community Center plan. In an effort to incorporate objectives of the Boulder Valley Comprehensive Plan (BVCP) and to move forward with development in Gunbarrel, officials from both the City and County of Boulder have agreed to work on an inter-governmental plan.

Still, there are issues that may impede progress including the death of developer Terry O’Connor of the O’Connor Group and a lawsuit involving the Tagliola family and members of Gunbarrel Flats, LLC.

According to Pete Fogg of Boulder County Land Use (BCLU) Long Range Planning Division, “The (Boulder) City Council, the mayor (of Boulder) and the (Boulder County) Commissioners have agreed to work together to develop planning site criteria that any proposal would have to be measured against, whereby both (city and county) must agree that a specific proposal meets the given criteria.”

The county commissioners tabled the Gunbarrel Community Center Plan (GCCP) in 2004. Although Boulder City Council approved the GCCP, the plan was effectively shut down when the county planning commission and county commissioners deferred proposed land designation changes to the BVCP indefinitely.

An Intergovernmental Agreement (IGA) between the city and the county requires a four-body (Boulder City Council, Boulder Planning Board, Boulder County Commissioners and Boulder County Planning Commission) approval of changes to the comprehensive plan.

Fogg cited the concept of a four-story development as the greatest sticking point. “The city’s view is that there is nothing inherently evil, ugly or compromising about having four stories,” he said. “The question is a design component. In an urban design, we are less concerned with the number of stories than how you design it.”

Residents of unincorporated Boulder County in Gunbarrel were concerned mainly with a development plan that included four-story buildings and high-density residential housing.

Chuck Simmons of the Gunbarrel Community Association said, “We have never been convinced that a fourth story is necessary in order to be financially viable. We all recognize that resolving the stalemate is the way to go. We have confidence in the county commissioners’ ability to represent the viewpoint of the residents of Gunbarrel.”

Fogg said that all of the necessary players are still being assembled. “At least we’ve reached a point where we can begin talking about it again. … It’s been long enough having the Gunbarrel Plan sit in limbo.”

Terry O’Connor, owner of the undeveloped parcel east of King Soopers, died unexpectedly on Sept. 11. O’Connor had hoped to build the four-story Gunbarrel Town Center on that land, and had indicated that he needed to be able to build four stories to make the project economically viable. Without O’Connor, the project might be delayed indefinitely.

Gunbarrel community members and business owners generally did not wish to speculate on the future of the GCCP in relation to the O’Connor Group in light of O’Connor’s’ death.

“Obviously Terry was a dynamic force in his organization. I don’t know how the absence of Terry O’Connor will affect the development of that property,” said Simmons.

The development of Gunbarrel Flats is also jeopardized by a lawsuit involving the property owners that may impact the ability to develop or redevelop the property.

In September 2004, the Tagliola family filed a lawsuit against de facto partners, John and Sue Quinlan and George and Allison Matsik and attorney Scott St. Clair. The Tagliolas accuse the defendants of “systematic and wrongful efforts…to usurp control and misappropriate assets.” Delay of the development of the Gunbarrel Flats properties is inevitable until litigation is resolved.

At press time, neither plaintiffs, defendants or their attorneys had responded to telephone calls or e-mails regarding the case.

Meanwhile, FasTracks, which has designated Gunbarrel as a possible site for a passenger station, has not made a decision on a location between Boulder and Longmont.

For more information concerning the development of Gunbarrel contact:

City of Boulder - www.ci.boulder.co.us/planning/bvcp.

Boulder County, Land Use and County Commissioners- www.co.boulder.co.us.

Gunbarrel Community Association - www.gunbarrel.net.

Claire Chase may be reached at ClaireC@lhvc.com.

RMCC Expansion Hearing Set For Nov. 7

By LuAnn Piccard

The Boulder County Commissioners will hold a public hearing to review the expansion plans for the Rocky Mountain Christian Church (RMCC) at 6 p.m. on Monday, Nov. 7 at Niwot High School. RMCC, located at the intersection of Niwot Road and 95th Street in Niwot, originally submitted the plan for review in November 2004. Just prior to the hearing, RMCC asked for a postponement to address community questions and correct errors. On July 19, RMCC submitted a revised proposal prepared by Otten, Johnson, Neff & Ragonetti, a Denver-based law firm specializing in land use issues.

According to information obtained from the RMCC website, the proposed improvements include: a new education wing, a gymnasium, renovation of the existing worship auditorium, new atrium and chapel, additional parking, and landscaping. RMCC reports that 75 percent of church members live within seven miles of the church.

RMCC employs 75 full-time, part-time and contract employees from the area and many community groups, non-profit organizations and youth groups use the facility free of charge.

Rick Thielen, RMCC business manager stated, “We held almost a dozen neighborhood meetings and once people understood that in the revised proposal, buildings and parking would be even less visible than they are today, they were more comfortable with the project.”

According to Thielen, the expansion will accommodate worship, Sunday school, the church’s school, Rocky Mountain Christian Academy, and community needs for the next 20 to 30 years. “This build-out will be completed over the next 10 years or more and should be consistent with other development projects in the area. It is our goal to continue our 21 year history of good citizenship within this community,” Thielen said.

Todd Tucker, planner for the Boulder County Land Use Department, said, “The Land Use Department does an assessment of the plan and presents a recommendation to the Boulder County Commissioners for final review at the hearing.”

In 2004, the Land Use Department recommended denial of the original proposal. Tucker said, “The new submission is essentially the same as what was proposed in 2004. We find that this proposal is still out of character with the neighborhood and is not consistent with the Boulder County Comprehensive Plan.”

Neal Anderson, president of the Niwot Community Association (NCA) said, “With the expansion, the physical buildings would approach a quarter of a million square feet. The K to eight educational facility would be three times the size of Niwot Elementary School with roughly the same student population. With the proposed gymnasium, it would occupy as much physical space as Niwot High School which has 1200 students.”

A survey conducted by the NCA in spring 2004 showed respondents were decidedly against the proposal resulting in 83 percent against and 17 percent for the proposal. Anderson said, “The proposal is an urban site in size and intensity of use immediately adjacent to a semi-rural, residential community which, per the Comprehensive Plan, is to be buffered by agricultural and open-space land.”

Additional information can be found on the following websites: RMCC expansion project - www.bcinbc.org.

For the new proposal and original application go to http://www.co.boulder.co.us/lu/dockets/index.htm or click on the projects under review on the Land Use web page. The staff report will be posted on this site when it is completed.

A NCA fact sheet detailing the expansion proposal is available on the NCA website www.niwot.org or requested by mail.

To contact LuAnn Piccard email LuAnnP@lhvc.com.

Katrina In Our Community

By LuAnn Piccard

“In addition to the devastation to peoples’ families, homes and jobs, I wonder what will happen to the rich Cajun heritage? New Orleans is not just a city, but a way of life.” – Catherine Medal, director of Miss Catherine’s Creative Learning Center

It is impossible to find anyone among us who hasn’t been impacted by Katrina. Corporations, organizations, churches, synagogues, schools, hospitals and individuals have reached out to help those in need by providing goods, money, homes and time. Though the need seems overwhelming, our community has rallied to lend a hand to help rebuild the lives of people impacted by this tragedy.

Catherine Médal, director of Miss Catherine’s Creative Learning Center in Gunbarrel, was born and raised in Houma, LA, an hour southwest of New Orleans. Her Cajun family roots can be traced back 14 generations. Her husband, Louis, is from New Orleans where his brother lives in their grandmother’s home. Between them, they have a large extended family in the impacted area.

“It took us two days to get word from our immediate families. We also have cousins in Slidell that we have yet to hear from. Lou’s brother and his family went to Houston, but have sent their daughter to live with friends and attend high school in Atlanta and their son to finish high school in North Dakota with relatives.” said Médal.

She welcomes any displaced families with young children to contact her regarding support and scholarships. “If there is a silver lining in all of this devastation, it is the opportunity for New Orleans to rebuild some of the poverty-ridden areas and city infrastructure with a clean slate. Though difficult right now, it might be an opportunity for some people to begin new lives in other parts of the country.”

Tara Julio (daughter of Susan Julio, owner of Makes Scents in Niwot) and her boyfriend returned to Niwot with a few changes of clothes, a cat, a dog and two fish, after escaping Katrina. They are currently living with Susan and getting support from their extended family.

Rocky Mountain Christian Church (RMCC) has collected and sent funds and goods to Journey Christian Church in Metairie, Lou. The church has also sent truckloads of goods donated by RMCC and other local churches and organizations. Some of the donations were sent to Habitat for Humanity, which is building sections of houses to be shipped to the Gulf Coast.

Rick Thielen, business manager from RMCC, said,“We are sending funds directly as we receive them. Every penny will go straight to the area for help. As a church we raised over $100,000 for tsunami relief and through our efforts, we hope to exceed that amount for hurricane relief.”

In addition to partnering with RMCC, Niwot United Methodist Church is providing “health kits” that include a hand towel, wash cloth, comb, nail file, soap, toothbrush, toothpaste and sterile strip bandages for distribution at shelters.

Express, a U16 girls soccer team, held a car wash at Niwot Market on Sunday, Sept. 18 where they raised $1000 for the American Red Cross.

Crocs, LLC, a local company that makes colorful, lightweight footwear, donated 10,000 pairs of shoes to the relief effort. Community Food Share donated 100 percent of the proceeds from its 16th annual Tee Up! Against Hunger golf tournament to hurricane relief. Jim Baldwin, Community Food Share CEO, estimated that approximately $60,000 will be sent to the Second Harvest Food Bank of Greater New Orleans.

Approximately 100 families have been relocated to Boulder County along with over 200 university students. This influx of evacuees will require resources within our local community.

For more information contact:

Rocky Mountain Christian Church - email katrinahelp@rmcc.org or call Cris Crisfield at 303-652-6832.

Niwot United Methodist Church – email office@niwotumc.org or call 303-530-0241.

Miss Catherine’s Creative Learning Center - Catherine Medal, 303-530-1820.

Second Harvest - see www.secondharvest.org.

Community Food Share - see www.communityfoodshare.org.

If you know families who have been relocated to the Niwot/Gunbarrel area or examples of community outreach efforts, email LuAnnP@lhvc.com.

County News

By Ron Goodman

The Demise Of Four Stately Willows

A special edition of the regular monthly Niwot Community Association (NCA) meeting was held on Sept. 7, at the Left Hand Grange. Meetings like this that center on big changes in town or prairie dogs often bring out a slightly raucous crowd. This time the attendees were quiet, even somber, possibly suspecting that an unpleasant decision was in the offing.

Neal Anderson, president of the NCA, opened the meeting by introducing Mike Thomas, an engineer with the Boulder County Transportation Department. There were about 24 people in the audience in addition to approximately 12 NCA board members present. Thomas reviewed the several informal meetings held recently.

The conclusions, based on the findings of two arborists, Kathy Philtzan, a county employee with Parks and Open Space and Paul Payne, an arborist with St. Vrain Arbor Care, were grim. The root systems of the willow trees along Niwot Road across from Niwot Liquor Store were fatally compromised as roots were destroyed when the roadbed was re-graded and repaved. The roots on the south side were damaged when the Hinman ditch was filled in, adding a surcharge of soil weight. Finally, the ditch no longer carries water to the trees, as it had for the last 100 years.

The manager of Cottonwood Park West Home Owners’ Association (CPWHOA), which owns most of the land and maintains all of the property up to the curb, said that the constant falling limbs were a pedestrian hazard and caused additional expense when mowing the area.

He also said that the CPWHOA board had authorized $2,000 to plant trees this fall on its property. One person indicated that he would be willing to donate to the planting fund.

Everyone acknowledged the risk of falling limbs and the need to “do something.” The county’s liability was also discussed. As one board member said, it is “a hollow drum waiting to fall down.”

There were three choices placed before the meeting:

• Remove the trees now. Thomas said the removal would cost about $16,000 to $18,000.

• Prune the trees. This option will have to be done every two years at a cost of $3,000 to $6,000. Ultimately, the trees will have to be removed, cost unknown at this time.

• Remove the trees and leave several trunks standing for future carving similar to the work done in Cottonwood Square Shopping Center.

Anderson said, “We (will) consider (for) now only the first two proposals and get a sense of the feeling in the room.”

Dorinda Dembroski spoke from her personal experience with dead trees and suggested that removal now was the best course.

Craig Harris of Lefty’s Pizza suggested that we buy time and trim the trees. “They are beautiful coming into town,” he said.

The feeling of several board members was expressed by one who said, “Why wait and take that risk (of an injury and county liability)?”

A hand-vote was taken on the issue and only two votes were counted for trimming. The majority felt that the trees should be removed. Thomas thanked the community for its input and said he will report back soon.

Interviews With SVVSD School Board Candidates

By Mandy Sutyak

There are three open positions on the Board of Education for the St. Vrain Valley School District (SVVSD). Darwyn Herbst and Sandi Searls are both running for district B. Dorinda “Dori” Van Lone is running unopposed for district D. Rod Schmidt is also running unopposed for district F. Searls, first elected in 2001, is currently school board president.

The Courier asked each candidate to respond to four questions. The answers were compiled from each candidate’s statements. Some answers were edited for length.

Courier: Why are you running for the school board? What talents and skills do you bring to the job?

Herbst: I am a candidate because I want to bring about the changes that are needed to secure the financial and educational future of the district, and because I have the experience that is required to do the job, which includes a major overhaul of the central administration organization.

I bring to the job years of experience as a general manager and corporate officer where I prepared budgets, evaluated financial statements and made decisions that produced meaningful results. Also, my experience as a schoolteacher and community leader is a valuable tool that I will use when making decisions.

Schmidt: I believe everyone during a lifetime has an opportunity to make a difference in (his or her) community, and when the opportunity arises, should grasp the opportunity. Having been involved with the school district for the past four years (Community Bond Review Committee) I’ve been exposed to many issues facing our district. That gives me insight into what must be addressed… to build SVVSD into a model system that offers a premier educational experience for our students and has the ability to compete with any schools (private or public).

I’ve held various senior management positions in a large corporation which has given me significant exposure to financial budget/management, personnel management, and serving as a “change agent” in an industry going through huge directional shifts. Many of these skill sets are the same skills I believe are important in the SVVSD – the ability to listen, adapt to changes in our environment and empower “customers.”

Searls: I am running for a second term to effect change in four key areas: achievement, continued financial accountability, growth and partnerships. As a board member our number one responsibility is support for student academic success… . The policy and financial decisions we make should be focused on that end.

Two of the greatest assets I bring to the board are experience and leadership. I understand the challenges facing our district and feel I can help address them with innovative ideas. I have the experience of being in the classroom, being a parent of children in the district and working with and listening to the concerns and suggestions of our employees. Professionally, I have worked for large and small companies and managed my own consulting company. I helped to implement fiscal accountability and bring our deficit to zero. I want to use my leadership skills to continue to improve student achievement as well as accountability and efficiency in the district’s other business systems.

Van Lone: I am running for the school board as a concerned citizen and parent of two children in SVVSD. I bring over 20 years in business management and various civic projects. I have participated in raising money for Erie Elementary and equipment for Erie Middle/Senior High. I have been involved as a P.A.S.S. Board member at the elementary and a Booster Club member at the high school. I have also chaperoned many school activities.

Courier: What is your position on the mill levy override and why?

Herbst: I would prefer a different resolution because I think it requires a big leap of faith to believe that what is stated in the resolution will provide the results that we need.

My doubts are supported by the fact that the administration uses an accounting system that hides important details and in so doing has hidden that they have not provided even the minimum amount that Colorado law mandates for the purchase of textbooks and other classroom supplies.

If I am elected and the MLO (mill levy override) passes you can count on me to ensure that the MLO money will be used where it will provide the greatest benefit and you will not need to depend on a citizens review committee to serve as a watchdog on the administration. The MLO resolution statement that such a committee is required sounds like “silly talk” to me.

Schmidt: I support the mill levy initiative. I know there remains a question of “trust” within certain sectors of our community and those sectors would suggest, because of the trust issue, a MLO initiative is not appropriate. I’ve personally witnessed the “accountability measures” implemented to ensure the district stays on track and am fully confident we are prepared to administer the MLO should it pass.

When Colorado ranks in the bottom five of all states in the US on funding per pupil, and SVVSD ranks in the bottom quartile in the state in funding per pupil, how can we possibly expect our district to fund programming for our students to compete on a statewide and national basis?

Searls: I am in support of the (MLO). I strongly feel that the state has not provided adequate funding to our schools. To address educational challenges and support strategies school districts across our state have gone to their taxpayers and requested addition funds through mill levy overrides. These funds remain at the local level and support specific needs.

Two thirds of students in Colorado are in districts which receive additional voter-approved funding. Comparing St. Vrain with 13 school districts along the Front Range in funding on a per pupil basis, our district would be in 12th place.

We compete to recruit and retain highly qualified teachers and we need to ensure we have materials and programs in place… . As a community we have invested in infrastructure like roads, trails, and libraries, it is imperative that we also invest in our children’s education.

Van Lone: With certain criteria that additional tax revenues would go for academic support, improving facilities, and student activities, I could support the MLO.

Courier: Is the state on the right track with CSAP or is there something else that would work better?

Herbst: The state is on the right track in requiring testing and having the results compared to a set of standards and I do not know of another method that can be used to do the job it does. I believe that CSAP testing is a useful tool to help ensure that all students are gaining the knowledge they need to succeed, and to improve schools that repeatedly report overall low scores.

There are those who complain that schools are unfairly being given a low rating because the tests do not take into account cultural differences and/or other special circumstances of the children. (Others) say too much classroom time is wasted in teaching the children material for the tests. Also, there are those who point out that success in school and in later life is greatly influenced by student involvement in arts, clubs and extra-curricular activities and that CSAP does not measure this involvement. I believe these concerns are valid and that they need to be factored into any evaluation.

Schmidt: CSAP is a state mandate; therefore we have no choice but to prepare our children for this testing. I do believe we need to focus on the “whole child” and ensure we not only focus on the three R’s, but also on building curriculum to ensure our children are graduating with a well-rounded education that includes additional focus specifically on the sciences, but also in other areas including, the arts, foreign languages and social studies.

Searls: I feel accountability is very important. The CSAP tests results help schools and teachers identify areas which need support for individual students and also help to identify achievement gaps between various (student) groups. What is truly needed from the CSAP testing is data to track individual student mean scores from year to year to clearly identify the growth a student is making.

A problem at the secondary level is that many high school students do not see the relevance of the testing and do not feel they need to take the testing seriously. Over the last couple of years discussions about using the ACT at 10th grade or some type of link to high school completion have occurred. I would support some type of change in this area.

Also, school districts in Colorado fall under three accountability systems and each system uses the CSAP results for their evaluation. Unfortunately, a school could be rated as excellent on one system and failing on another. This type of report is extremely confusing to our parents and to the general public.

Van Lone: There is a need for measuring academic progressiveness; for the past several years, CSAP has been elected as the acceptable tool for such measurement that I believe should be continued.

Courier: What is your view on the abstinence-only sex education policy of the district?

Herbst: I agree with the goal of the St. Vrain Health Education policy that the curriculum shall foster healthy behavior in our children with the ultimate goal being for school age students to remain abstinent in areas such as sexual activity and illegal drug use. Also, I agree that the curriculum should not teach a “safe sex” message and that the curriculum can include discussions of contraceptive methods as long as they are not demonstrated.

Schmidt: I support the position the district has taken on sex education policy. All policies are generally positioned to take into consideration state and federal mandates and/or reflect the attitudes and position of the district’s populace.

While I don’t have details on the background information SVVSD utilized to reach the decision to integrate the “Directive Abstinence Centered Approach” into the curriculum, I do believe this approach is best suited to support parents in developing lifetime value systems with their children.

Searls: I feel it is time to review the policy and components of the curriculum. I strongly feel that students need the facts about STD’s,the health risks and possible long-term consequences. Although the ultimate goal of our current policy is the choice of abstinence, we must look at what the statistics relating to the behavior of our youth are telling us.

The Youth Risk Behavior Survey conducted by the Boulder Mental Health Department reported data about risky behaviors occurring at a younger and younger age by many students. Students need information from a qualified source to make the best and healthiest behavior choices.

I am committed to bringing together a cross section of our community in 2006 to begin the process of reviewing this policy. All voices need to be heard andmuch consideration should be given to a curriculum which meets the needs of our students today, while reflecting the values of our community.

Van Lone: It is my understanding that a lot of research and time has been involved in this particular policy. I believe in providing education to our children to make sound, healthy decisions on this subject.

Mandy Sutyak can be reached at MandyS@lhvc.com.

It’s a Laughing Matter

POP3s, Kernel Panics and Blue Dingleberries

By Mary Wolbach Lopert

Technology can make you stupid. Think I’m kidding? Take the following conversation I had with stressed out, overwhelmed Sadie.

Me: “Hi Sadie, did you get my message about the meeting next week? I never heard from you.”

Sadie: “Message? Which thingy did you send it on? My cell phone doesn’t have a camera or Internet access and I can only talk on it when the battery holds a charge. Sam got me one of the Dingleberry devices, you know with the Blueteeth program that does everything, but I haven’t had time to read the instructions.

“We’re deleting our landline carrier, but our messages aren’t being forwarded to the VoIP system. Sam also thinks the GPS system in the car can handle messages and I can’t convince him it’s directions only. He has it turned off anyhow.

“I think I can find something to write on that’s not my hand, if I can find a pen. What meeting is this anyway? I don’t remember any meeting.”

This conversation is the perfect example of how a well-educated, self-sufficient person can be stupidified by technology. As a public service, I’m offering a technology primer, which, hopefully, will not be obsolete by the time you finish reading it.

The Basics

(Note to Mac users: Skip this section since extensions are stupid and irrelevant.)

It’s always good to start with a review. So here are some common terms and file extensions you’ll need to know.

DOC – Dreaded Occurrence Coming

EXE – Extreme eXpletive Enclosed

FTP – Feudal/Futile Transport Program

JPG/JPEG – Jigilan Pixels Garbled /Jigilan Pixels Extremely Garbled

PPS – Please Pencil-In Something

HMLT – Here/Hear Meaningless Lengthy Text

MPG – Music Purloined Guaranteed

POP3 & Kernel Panic – I actually have no idea what these mean. It might have something to do with unpopped kernels in a bag of microwave popcorn, but I doubt it.

Going Wireless

(Note to Mac users: Start here)

Who among us doesn’t envision themselves sitting in a trendy coffee house, running a multi-gazillion dollar corporation from a slim, almost weightless laptop, looking cool and in control, while sipping a double decaf mocha latté, extra foam, no calories for our size 2 bodies that are enveloped in the latest trendy suit?

But step out of that wireless zone and you are transported back to the reality of wires, obsolete computers with dead batteries, flat diet soda and a size 15 pair of last year’s sweats, which are a skosh too tight.

Luckily, with high speed Internet and a device called a router, being ultra cool and wireless is within reach. Surfing the web while looking for bargain basement fares to Branson, MO in jammies and bunny slippers is really cool too.

But, if you are planning a working vacation and are in a hurry to get that wireless system installed at home, be advised that while you can move freely around your own domain in said bunny slippers, your home system won’t transport you and your cool lifestyle to Mom’s house in Wyoming. The technology does have its limits.

Where’s Scotty When We Need Him?

Buying a new computer is a daunting task. Questions like how much memory, what kind of speed and does size matter in monitors can cause some serious soul and wallet searching. But once the decision is made and the extended warranties and tech support are purchased, the user can rest assured that all is well in cyber space – until you turn it on.

Recently, I was lured into the promised land of a smaller, lighter, faster laptop, which happened to be on sale. Ordered completely online, I spent a day checking boxes as to RAM, mega bites, pixels and peripherals. Once ordered and credit card numbers consumed, I only had to wait five days for delivery.

With 15 years of computer experience, I knew what to do when it arrived. Battery charger went on the right, external wireless card to jump start the internal wireless peripheral was on the left. Power up and log on for the leap into warp drive of hyperspace.

And it worked, for 10 minutes. Then I was bombarded with space age chimes, announcing that there was an upgrade to the operating system, Portholes 2010. Considering this is 2005, I figured the upgrade was at least five years ahead of its time. I clicked the upgrade button, and watched the screen freeze up as the hard drive was swept for the obsolete tidbits.

After I was allowed to continue working, second swooshing Star Trekesque noise tinkled a warning that connoted the robot from “Lost In Space” saying, “Danger, Will Robinson, danger.” All of this for a pop-up screen saying that anti-spyware was patrolling the hard drive for adware, viruses and random Klingons. Then, without warning, the computer went on autopilot. The cursor took off on its own, closing down the program I was working in, and opened the hard drive to update my touch pad. After the update was completed, I was then transported back into my document as if nothing happened at all. At this point I was ready to have Scotty beam up the whole dang thing, extended warranties and all. Worst of all, six months later, this process is still going on.

So the next time you receive an email like this one sent to me by Courier Webmaster Marge Smith, “Here is a jpg of the FTP set up. I am unable to use the ws-ftp and had to buy a ISWFTP to do this,” tell them that you can’t deal with their puny problems, because you’re having your own kernel panic

They can bring along their EXE and MPG and meet you in HTML. Size 2 trendy clothing not allowed.