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I’ve had many mantras in my life.  With an older brother who was a devotee of “Mad Magazine,” I began espousing the philosophy “What, me worry?” at a very early age.  Thanks to a long-lasting empty front tooth socket, I could strike a pose, recite these three sacred words and irritate my parents to no end.

As the innocence of the 50s gave way to the turbulent 60s, I found that I could achieve the same amount of parental irritation with my new stance, “Make love not war,” and “Never trust anyone over 30.”

Unfortunately, 30 happens to the best of us and we are forced to grow up and take real jobs.  While working in a bank I became very attached to the phrase, “The check’s in the mail,” as in “No, Mr. N.S.F. Overdraft, you can’t have a cash advance because you are delinquent on all three of your mortgages and the repo guy’s on his way to confiscate your car.”  But, I was told, “The check’s in the mail.”

As of last week my mantra has changed again.  Now I know for sure, “No good deed goes unpunished.”
I take my job as a humor columnist very seriously.  It is my sworn duty to make people laugh.  So when I forwarded a web site called “Kikia,” I was completely shocked at my friends’ irate replies.

So, you the reader can be the judge.  If you are by a computer go to this web address, www.stonetable.org/files/kikia.swf.  This is a G-rated site and it will only take a minute.  For those who aren’t by a computer at this moment, you can read on, but at your own risk.  (See above disclaimer.) 
Imagine my shock and dismay when I read an email from my sweet and gentle friend Michele that said, 

 “I AM GOING TO KILL YOU!”
This correspondence was followed-up by this message:
“I almost fell off of the chair I jumped so much.  At least I didn’t open it at 7 a.m. when I’m totally out of focus.  Then I would have booked a flight and come out and strangled you.”

Next came a startling response from Frances.  Granted she lives in the war-torn Middle East and things are a bit tense at the moment, but I hardly feel as though I deserved this:
“Are you trying to freak out the already freaked?  Ok now repeat after me; ‘For the time being until the war is over or til Frances is dead and gone or until further notice, I will not email scary stuff to Frances.’
Thank you Frances”

But the best response came from my co-worker Julia.  Like many of us, Julia works from home and had this to say:
“After I had my initial heart attack, I left the page up while I answered the front door.  The UPS man, who is terrified of the dogs, yet has to make nearly daily trips up our stairs, now thinks I kill people for a living as the program cycles and continues to scream!  Boy, did his eyes get wide as saucers!”

To be fair, I did get a few favorable responses, like this from another co-worker, Shari.
“That’s just mean.  Okay, okay... and funny.”

And what do I get for trying to make amends by sending out a very sweet email card that proclaimed how happy I was that all these people were my friends?  According to Michele:
“You don’t think I’m opening another email with an attachment do you?”

So as my final attempt at penance for (1) upsetting friends and (2) using their emails to take up the bulk of this column, I will split my usual six-figure paycheck for writing this column.  The check is in the mail.