April Fools Edition 2004
 

The Niwot Recycling facility, formerly located on North 79th Street was relocated last week to the north side of Niwot Road , adjacent to the entrance to Summerset. “It is a perfect location,” Gram Bullingsley commented. “Everyone drives past the site frequently. And, what could be more convenient for the residents of Summerset and other upscale residences in Niwot?”

Senate Approves Mountain Removal

By Thomas George

On April 1, in a move some are calling a knee-jerk reaction, the U.S. Senate approved a Homeland Defense bill that would mandate the removal of more than 75 percent of the American Rocky Mountains. The bill, dubbed the Nowhere to Hide Act, received strong bipartisan support in both the House and Senate, but has been controversial in several mountain states.

The bill is part of a federal push to remove any terrorist-sheltering topographical abnormalities, including mountains, canyons, valleys, and “hidey-holes of any kind.”

Locally, the Nowhere Act will force the leveling of the familiar Flatirons, and will create a vast, flat prairie extending west through Utah and Nevada. Mountains will be allowed to stand in New Mexico, where they have value as bombing targets.

“I'm glad Congress saw eye-to-eye with me and Don [Rumsfeld] on this one,” said Homeland Security Director Tom Ridge. “Americans shouldn't trust anything they can't see over.”

Majority Leader Bill Frist (R Ten.) was happy to spread the credit. “Both sides of the aisle - we're all just doing our part,” he said.

Democrats supported the bill as well, citing reasons of their own. “Are you kidding?” asked Minority Leader Tom Daschle (D-S.D.). “This is the biggest jobs program since FDR. How could we not vote for it?” An aide to Daschle also noted that the move would put the senator's home state on a more equal footing with her neighbors.

“Sure, I can see Wyoming, Utah or Colorado complaining,” said Democratic Whip Harry Reid (D Nev.), “but this bill serves the national interest, and it should redirect tourism dollars to harder-working states.”

Also lobbying for the bill was the Federal Aviation Administration, which has long cited the Rockies as a dangerous impediment to commercial air traffic.

Lame duck Senator Ben Nighthorse Campbell (R Colo.), one of a handful of senators to oppose the bill, said the vote underscores his colleagues' poor geography skills. “The Rocky Mountain chain includes smaller mountain ranges from the Midwest almost to the Pacific,” Campbell said. “Ron Wyden (D Ore.) is going to regret his vote when dozers start in on the Wallowas.”

Colorado Senator Wayne Allard supported the bill, calling it “a boon for Colorado farmers.”

Legislators in the House and Senate have already introduced versions of a Nowhere to Hide Act II that would level the Cascades and Alleghenies and would fill in Hell's Canyon.

The Rocky Mountain bill is not without precedent. Congress previously mandated the demolition of the Ozark Range with a rider to the Patriot Act. That work was completed in late 2003, largely unnoticed by the public.

 

 

Gunbarrel Pair Beats Gunbarrel Duo For IFDSA Crown

By Thomas George

Ingrid Svennsson and Mark Branaugh could pass for a regular couple out for a morning jog, chatting as they fleetly make their way up Lookout Road . Despite their casual appearance, though, Svennsson and Branaugh are far beyond the norm. They are the International Champions of their sport. And their legs are tied together.

The Gunbarrel pair just returned from the Netherlands where they narrowly won a 70 Kilometer ultra-marathon three-legged race. In winning the event, they unseated reigning International Field-Day Sports Association Champions Derek Becker and Gwendolyn Okinobe.

“We're on cloud nine,” said Svennsson. “We've been gunning for Becker and Okinobe for years. This should end those gloating looks in the laundry room.” (By coincidence, the adjoining apartments occupied by Svennsson and Branaugh, in the Cavellieri Peaks complex off Gunpark Drive , are directly above those of Becker and Okinobe.)

Competition between the pairs has been fierce all season. Becker and Okinobe, the favorites, swept the field in the IFDSA potato-sack events, held last June in Morocco . The defending champions held a strong lead after the August Water Balloon Challenge. But a mishap at the Panama Egg and Spoon Trials brought Svennsson and Branaugh back into contention.

“After they tossed 200 plus in Atlanta ,” said Branaugh, “We were going, ‘No way, they can't be beaten.' But when we saw the mess Becker made in, like, the 36th hour at egg and spoon, we were all like, ‘Hey, we could still win this.”

Svennsson and Branaugh, whose egg went unspilt for the entire 48 hours, won in Panama , and again at the Leapfrog Competition in Brisbane , Australia . Their close victory April 1 at The Hague was barely enough to win them the coveted 2004 Laurels Medal.

“We just can't wait to get back out there,” said Svennsson. “I do love the Home Depot, but I'd rather be out on the field.” The pair also expressed thanks to their major sponsors, Eggland's Best, the Idaho Russet Company, and Oneida Dinnerware.

 

Courier Exclusive:

Extraterrestrial Prairie Dogs Found

By Donna Currie

News you will get nowhere else: The Courier is proud to present this exclusive article, straight from a staff member's daughter's brother's uncle's only sibling who knows someone who lives next door to someone who works near NASA.

We've all seen photos of barren Martian landscapes, but what you haven't seen are the classified photos from the first Mars probe.

The public was told that first probe never communicated with Earth, but the Courier has uncovered the shocking truth. In reality, the first probe did send back both sound and photos before being silenced. Those secret photos prove conclusively that there is life on Mars, and that the life form is surprisingly familiar.

NASA spokesmen denied the very existence of those photos, but we have an artist's rendition of photos that our contact described. While the creatures in question look familiar, sound recordings confirm that evolution has played some interesting tricks on the red planet.

With no competition for food or other resources, small furry burrowing rodents on Mars transformed the landscape, built underground cities, and having little else to do, improved their communication skills to an astonishing level.

Surrounding the Mars probe, the rodents formed a committee, submitted a proposal, and held a variety of meetings. The focus of the meetings was their desire to remain an independent, undisturbed colony. They asked for the right to determine their own colony sizes, with burrows no deeper than three levels, and no accommodations for parking future Mars landers and no shopping areas or Krispy Kreme franchises for visiting astronauts.

The spokesrodent pointed to a previous contract with Boulder County Commissioners, enacted during relocation. “We were promised this side of the planet,” he said, “and this time we're determined to keep you off of it.”

At that point, according to our sources, the signal from the probe was lost and NASA decided to focus on other areas of Mars for further exploration. “We aren't going to do that Manhattan thing again,” a NASA official said. “Do you know how much those beads would go for on e-Bay if we still had them?”

Current Spirit and Rover photos show that the prairie dog colonists appear to be staying on their side of the planet as agreed, although the pockmarks seen clearly on photos look suspicious. “It may be some radical underground movement,” one source commented.

 

Drawing by Ron Goodman

 

A Message From STUPID

Once again, the Selection Team Urging Plain Inoffensive Designations (STUPID) is submitting a proposal to the residents of Boulder County to fix the egregious naming errors thrust upon us by progenitors who had no understanding of political correctness.

On the top of the list in Boulder County , of course is the word “ Boulder .” The name connotes something large, hard, and potentially dangerous, if it were to roll over you. We suggest the new name, “Tofu,” as something more appropriate.

“Gunbarrel” is next on our list, for glaringly obvious reasons. Fortunately, the new name is just as obvious: WineCask.

Along with Gunbarrel, we propose to change the word ”Gun” wherever it appears. “Gunpark” may easily be changed to “Wineglass.”

“ Lookout Road ” sounds like a bank robber's venue. We suggest “ Makeout Place ,” as something more loving.

“ Mineral Road ,” while not offensive, is a “hard” name. “ Cashmere Lane ” would be much softer.

“ Cottonwood Square ” we object to, not because of an aversion to the tree, or the dangerous sharp points on a square, but for the imprecision of it. After looking at a diagram of the shopping center (ah, “Center” a word we heartily approve of!) we have decided that “Cotton Polyhedron” is much more descriptive.

We noted a proliferation of space names including the word “fork” as in Williams Fork, Roaring Fork, etc. These are not acceptable! Forks are pointy. You could poke your eye out while driving. ”Spoon” would be our preference, but we could live with “Spork” if we had to.

And what's up with “ Monarch Road ?” This is America ! We insist that it be changed to “Democratically Elected Representative Way.”

We have a whole list of other changes, but we'd like to close with one very important one. The name “Left Hand” affixed to any and every entity must be changed. It's not that we have anything against right-brained people, but did you know that the word “sinister” meant “left-handed” at one time? ‘Nuff said. In a fit of nostalgia, we suggest a simple change to “Right-On (dude!)” Now, wouldn't that be fun?

May the changes begin!

 

 

 

 
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