BY NELLIE NIBNOSE
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Colorado’s borders may be under attack. According to a recently released Wikileaks document, it looks like Nebraska and Kansas may be trying to reclaim some of the land that was originally part of the Kansas-Nebraska Act of 1854.

The battle, it seems, is over cornhusks, which can be valuable for making ethanol. While there is some interest in the gas wells on Colorado’s eastern plains, it’s the byproduct of farming east of I-25 that’s fueled the latest border war. And this war doesn’t involve inflatable orbs.

One Colorado state official, who wished to remain anonymous, said, “While we’re not Brazil, which has all that sugar cane they use for bio-fuels, we still have agricultural waste. And I’m not talking buffalo chips.”

Other sources say that neither Kansas nor Nebraska is interested in methane or biohazards produced by cattle, but that the clean burning cornhusks hold great interest. Furthermore, since what is now eastern Colorado used to be part of the Kansas and Nebraska Territories, the right of imminent domain may apply.

According to Wikipedia, the basis for the doctrine of imminent domain is, “In 1861, 10 days before the establishment of the [Colorado] territory, the Arapaho and Cheyenne agreed with the U.S. to give up most of their areas of the plains to white settlement, but were allowed to live in their larger traditional areas, so long as they could tolerate homesteaders near their camps.”

Nebraska and Kansas now claim that the condition precedent was never established, because the Arapaho and Cheyenne were forced out of their homeland, thus rendering the 1861 organization of the Colorado Territory void ab initio.

Under the doctrine of imminent domain, Nebraska and Kansas can take whatever land they desire, because, in the words of one cornhusker legislator, “We were here first.”

Boulder County is right in the middle of this conflict. The Kansas-Nebraska Act defined the two new territories, and the 40th parallel was the dividing line; the 40th parallel is Baseline Road in Boulder. Thus Nebraska is laying claim to everything from the University of Colorado north and east, all the way to the Kansas border, while Kansas has its eyes on Boulder’s Baseline Taco Bell franchise and points south, eastward to Goodland.
If the questions of the state’s eastern borders weren’t concerning enough, Utah may be getting into the act as well. Speaking unofficially, a Utah state official said that they were tired of policing Highway 191 from Blanding to Bull Frog to confiscate beer purchased in Colorado, which thirsty Coloradoans transport into Utah and consume while creating havoc on Lake Powell.

Utah State Troopers no longer have the manpower to search and seize alcohol that doesn’t have the Utah seal; and local jails can no longer hold all the Coloradoans who protest and are subsequently jailed.

A Utah tourism magnate said, “Another bonus would be the expansion of our great skiing. We’d be more than happy to take over Glitter Gulch and those other areas. Those movie stars are gaining too much control and their laws are way too liberal.”

The northern and southern borders seem to be secure since Wyoming is content with a football-style border war and the gold spray-painted boot trophy, while New Mexico is still occupied with convincing people in Rhode Island and Delaware that it is a state. Putting “USA” after the “New Mexico” on its license plate hasn’t satisfied the notoriously skeptical Easterners.

Not everyone in Kansas is convinced that acquiring part of Colorado is a good idea. One person in Ft. Hays, Kan. was heard complaining that they’d get all the dirty, pot-smoking hippies that inhabit Colorado.
A modest protest from Colorado border towns has been mounted, but signs saying, “You are now leaving known civilization,” have not been very effective. Those signs might be more useful in Oklahoma. While the OK state doesn’t have a dog in this fight, the sign might be useful for its border with Texas.